His fingers brush against her in a sexual way. She thinks it is an accident; but it repeats.
She chirps to him that she has no one to help and he is moved by her plight. He pours himself out for her not realizing that he is tumbling towards an affair.
Sound all too familiar?
In moments of deep depression one might tend to think that God is a happy bachelor. If God were married He could understand the problems of conjugal life. But the Bible has a different story to tell. God was married. He went through an acrimonious divorce because of His unfaithful wife. However the saga had a sweet ending because of God’s mercy and forgiveness. “Where is the certificate of your mother’s divorce, whom I have put away?” asks God (Isa 50:1). But quickly He says in chapter 54 verse 7, “For a mere moment I have forsaken you, but with great mercies I will gather you.”
Faithfulness in family life has been discussed at great length. But Indian authors have been hesitant to put it down in black and white for fear of the culture.
The very first husband said of his wife, “She is the bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.” Can any other woman take that place? Can the husband’s flesh and bone become part of another woman’s body?
In the beginning when God created man and woman, He set the principle of one man for one woman. Discussing divorce, Jesus said, “From the beginning it was not so” (Mt 19:8). Even though Adam’s children married among themselves, they did not live like rabbits. Each had his own wife/ husband. When Cain was outlawed he went away with his sister-wife. “A bishop must be the husband of one wife” does not mean others can have more than one (1 Tim 3:2). It only means when a polygamist becomes a Christian in the true sense, he cannot rise up to the position of a bishop.
There are three kinds of people. The first kind is those who are sex obsessed, who have never trained themselves to control their kicks. These playboys (or playgirls) keep seducing the opposite sex all the time to get some pleasurable sensations. They cannot be happy without a romantic affair, sometimes even more than one at a time.
Potiphar’s wife, Rahab and Solomon belong to this group. What did Potiphar’s wife lack? She had married an officer of high rank who trusted her fully and had given her a home with all its comforts including many servants. But she was not satisfied with all that. Her eyes roved. She was on the lookout for romantic experiences. She was bored with her “good” husband.
Even though Rahab was a loose woman she made a decision that changed the course of her life. She decided to practice selfcontrol. With the newfound grace of God she overcame her erotic behaviour, lived faithfully with one man and became the mother-in-law of Ruth and the foremother of Jesus Christ.
Solomon was a typical ladies man. There were plenty of opportunities to shirk off his sin and turn to God. If he had turned his back on ephemeral pleasures, today his wisdom would be spoken of as untainted heavenly wisdom. The Samaritan woman instantaneously jumped from darkness to light and God used her as His vessel.
The second group is good people who buckle under duress. David and Bathsheba were not known to be people of easy virtue. But they nibbled at the bait. They were not prepared for the strike of the hammer and their response was a knee jerk. If they had prepared their hearts to say, ‘NO, NO’ to the advances of the tempter, they would not have let down their guard.
Joseph, Job and Ruth are examples of the third category people who are of strong character and flee from sexual temptations. They cannot be easily trapped by group I. Joseph would rather face the fury of his master than sin. Job was well prepared to face temptations so that when Cupid’s arrow struck him, his armour protec-ted him. Ruth, though a young widow in need of physical and emotional sexual needs, was not fooling around with young men rich or poor (3:10).
If you belong to the first or second group you can strengthen yourself by the Word of God and Prayer, develop self-discipline and walk up the dias where the third group is. It may be difficult but it is not impossible. To think that sexual desires are uncontrollable is an illusion.
Let us discuss a true story. She was born and brought up in a Christian family and deeply committed to serve God. So she was happy when a proposal came from a pastor’s family seeking alliance for their son, who was also the assistant pastor. The beginning years were happy and she tended to turn a blind eye to his ‘odd’ behaviour towards the ladies in the church, though hurt and confused. He always used to go to church earlier ‘to take care of things’ there. One day her friend hesistantly told her that she needed to be wise because her husband was sleeping regularly with a choir girl. Shocked and traumatized she wept her heart out. But then more news came to her ears—it was not one girl, it was more than that! Her husband, a cynical hypocrite who despoiled innocent girls who came to church! What could she do but to accept the situation and keep quiet? She was ashamed to go to her parents and to add to her woes, she was pregnant. Have you recognized the story I related to you? It was no other than Mrs. Phinegas (1 Sam 2 -4). There are many more true stories like that of Mrs. Hophni which have not seen the light of day. Their marriage never faltered—He enjoyed life and she accepted it.
Ask Mr. Phinegas and he will coolly tell you, “She has changed after marriage, she doesn’t satisfy me anymore. The romance has wilted.”
No excuse is good excuse. To produce such varied colours and races as is today, Adam and Eve could not have belonged to the fair race as we see in pictures. One might have been fair and the other Negroid—two ends of the spectrum. Yet they lived together for 930 years, contented with each other.
There will be stark differences between husband and wife which come to light after marriage resulting in the clashes of personality. The trick is in accepting each other as he/she is. You must become one flesh.
Why was Samson’s marriage a failure? They never became one flesh; they acted as if they were two individuals. Over a small tiff he left her. She was still his wife but married another man and other women entered his life. They could have easily made up their misgivings. Many husbands and wives who have gone through tempests in marriage have made it to build strong marriages. But for Samson and his wife family and friends came before each other.
Before marriage she was ‘well pleasing’ to him. How suddenly it changed after marriage! When she asked about the riddle, Samson replied, “Look, I have not explained it to my father or my mother; so should I explain it to you?” Clearly his parents were uppermost in his mind. As for her, her own family was the priority. She was not ready to rejoice if Samson won the game. She could not trust her husband who was the mighty Samson to deliver her and her father’s house from being burnt by her friends. Ultimately that was what happened anyway by the hands of the ones she trusted. Their divided loyalty ripped their marriage apart.
HOW TO FOOLPROOF YOURSELF
Work on building up a stable marriage. Never think you will never fall. That’s your best protection. Keep yourself in a good spiritual fellowship accountable to the leader. Have close friends who will not hesitate to warn you. Heed you spouse’s warnings, objections and reactions.
Never respond to sexual overtures. If you cannot ignore it then avoid that person like poison. If the situation persists give a warning. You may inform the concerned (Gen 37:2).
Do not violate certain commonsense promptings like—
Stand at a respectable distance while talking to the opposite sex.
Avoid touching, whether it be a much senior person or much junior.
Do not visit the opposite sex when he/she is alone without your spouse or friend.
Do not send your attractive photographs to the one who attracts you.
Do not stand in the dark and talk.
Do not spend a long time chatting.
Do not discuss delicate matters like sex or problems with your spouse with the opposite sex.
If you are a widow or widower, consider marriage.
Do not phone the questionable person of the opposite sex and do not respond to his/her call.
Sexual passions can be most unexpectedly triggered in the most spiritual atmosphere and can deceive you into sin.
Keep sexually tinged comments out of workplace. When someone shows interest in you, talk about your spouse and show your family photos.
Avoid questionable meetings, e-mails, sms, etc. With the advent of the mobile and e-mail, people’s privacy has gone up, escalating their need for self discipline and faithfulness manifold.
Being friends and being husband and wife are very different. Friends don’t question one another whereas husband and wife are mutually committed and responsible for each other. They can and must question one another. So if you want just a friend then don’t get married. Loose living is not permitted in marriage.
A person with an immoral spouse will give you short wave signals to keep yourself off his/her turf. Be sharp to recognize them and move away from the danger zone or you’ll land in deeper problem. If you are caught either by your spouse or by your paramour’s spouse, be honest enough to confess. That relieves the hurt spouse better than if you lie or get angry. Spiritual honesty will help the person to forgive you.
HOW TO UNTANGLE YOURSELF
If you are involved in a relationship, remember you are hurting God, your family and another family. So make a firm decision to cut it off, whatever may be the cost. It is not easy to extricate yourself but the reward is great. It will not help you to discuss your decision with your liaison. He/ she will fight tooth and nail. So quietly stop communication and stand by it. Get your spouse’s/parents’/friend’s/ leader’s help if necessary.
When a person tries to steal your heart, knowing you are married, you may pretty well be sure that he/she is doing it to others as well. Sooner or later you will discover to your utter shame that you were one of the many victims of a whoremonger; and then you’ll feel so used and cheap. If you give in to the advances, you are getting between husband and wife whom God has joined together. Do not quieten your conscience saying yours is a different kind of relationship. Can you share with others what’s happening between the secret you two? Will you allow your spouse to talk about it to your children and others? If the answer is a bold lettered ‘NO’ then stop it. If you are causing heartache in a family then you don’t have to look for any other reason to breakup your relationship. If you have made a wrong turn it is not impossible to turn around now. God is waiting to receive you, cleanse you and bless you (Jer 18:13,14).
THE PUNISHMENT
Rizpah was an attractive woman. She had two choices before her. She could either marry a decent man and lead a clean life or accept the more attractive offer—from King Saul—to be his keep. She chose the latter, breaking the heart of the legal wife. Even in the Old Testament days when polygamy was accepted, the first wife was as human as we are. See what Leah says to Rachel, “Is it a small matter that you have taken away my husband?” (Gen 30:15).
Saul died in the battle with the Philistines. Now again Rizpah had two choices—either to lead a godfearing life as a widow or give in to the allurements of the captain of the late Saul’s army, Abner. Again she made the wrong choice by choosing the latter. The sordid scandal brought in its wake immense unpleasantness. It reached the ears of Ishbosheth, Saul’s son and the then king.
She had two sons by Saul. During the severe drought, to appease God and pacify the Gibeonites, David handed over the two sons of Rizpah to the Gibeonites who hanged them. What could have been a fragrant life turned out to be a foul tragedy because of the wrong choices Rizpah made at every turn of her life (2 Sam 3:7,21). All decisions and choices must be made with eternal life in view. Our God is a consuming fire. Face your sin squarely and boldly and root it out. Sin that we do not face will ultimately destroy us. You may think your spouse is never going to find out if you slept with another person. But did you ever realize that God’s eyes were following you? (Prov 5:20,21). If we have video recordings, how much more God!
The Old Testament commands death penalty for breaking the marriage vow (Lev 20:10). The New Testament says, “Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators not adulterers… will inherit the Kingdom of God (1 Cor 6:9-10).
CONSEQUENCES
God forgave Bathsheba and David; but the fact that she was pregnant was not the punishment from God but the consequence of their sin. If she had not become pregnant, it might have become a forgotten incident. But one thing led to another. The fruits of unfaithfulness in family life are simply too many to quote ranging from physical, emotional, psychological problems to spiritual hurdles. You must be extremely careful with ministers of God. You not only destroy a man and his family but a ministry as did the women at the tabernacle bringing shame and defeat to a nation in addition to ichabod.
GUILT
If you have repented of your sin and come out of it, the stream of Immanuel’s blood cleanses you as white as snow. After that you don’t have to carry the guilt. If not, inspite of your telling yourself that it is not wrong or your partner-to-sin consoling you that you won’t go to hell for it, you’ll have to live with the heavy burden of the guilt that will continually gnaw your insides and destroy your personality. Why be a slave to guilt? Come out and enjoy the freedom God gives.
Because of your stubbornness to stop your spouse’s affair you may snap ties with a friend or family friends. Do not feel guilty over it. Your spouse may push you to rebuild the relationship or apologise to them, both of which you don’t have to do.
FAILURES
If you have failed in the past and later on found forgiveness and peace with God, you don’t have to write an apology to your former sex partner. He /she may now be well settled in life and your confession may disrupt their family peace.
AN AFFAIR
If your partner is having an affair, how do you handle the problem? The initial reaction is shock, pleading, crying and wringing of hands which give over to anger, bitterness and may be threats. These are all normal reactions and you don’t have to feel guilty about them. Even God in desperation cried, “She is not My wife, nor am I her husband” (Hos 2:2) . He uses harsh language against his unfaithful wife. The first steps are: stop crying, think clearly, overcome fear and become bold. Instead of reacting out of jealousy and hatred act out of love and courage.
Jesus gives the solution to the problem in Matthew chapter 18. First you confront your partner. If your partner listens to your advice and breaks off his unholy relationship, forgive. “Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him” (Lk 17:3) . A successful marriage is the union of two good forgivers. Though to retrace your steps to your original bliss may not be so easy, still with patience and understanding you can get back. Forgiving is not forgetting. It is next to impossible to forget. But you can always see that you don’t drag the past, rather bury it. Forgiving adultery is the test of love. If you forgive without action he/she is going to walk away scot free, and not going to have to answer for his/her wrong. They must be held responsible and accountable for what they did. This means you sit and agree with your spouse as to what action to be taken in case he/she repeats the behaviour. After the agreement comes forgiveness. In case of violation of the agreement do not hesitate to go ahead with what was decided upon. For eg. To inform so and so. If you don’t do it at the first instance you will do it at the tenth or twentieth instance. Better do it early.
If he/she does not repent, Jesus said you must take one or two people with you to put some sense into your partner. These one or two may be your parents or your partner’s parents or some trustworthy people who care for your family. If their care, concern and love turns him/her around, well and good. When he repents elders must help him restore his fellowship with God and family. If he is in ministry he must be relieved for a year or two during which period he should be under observation. He may be restored to ministry only after he proves himself. If he refuses to hear even them then the matter must be taken to the church. Even if that fails then you have to consider other options (Mt 18:15 -17). Even God does not forgive those who do not repent.
“You are not helping your husband by keeping quiet about his problem. Help him deal with what can become an addictive need. Agree on a timeline for resolution of the ongoing problem and on consequences should you find evidence again” says Mary Ann Mayo. Love that gives everything and asks nothing is unhealthy. Keeping quiet about the problem rarely helps. Unfortunately for us culture has some giant strides to make. When someone comes out with the problem they are treated like criminals because, “They have broken the family, tainted the testimony or hurt the ministry.” Have they not already happened? For fear of all these, many keep shedding silent tears giving more boldness to the straying partner.
But you must discern to whom to share your problem. Choose only seasoned Christians who will stand with you through thick and thin and who seek your good, better a godly couple. Don’t cry on everybody’s shoulders. Some sympathetic listeners may stab you in the back later and some may take advantage of your emotionally weakened state.
The crying—confronting, repenting —straying may become a repetitive pattern.
Speaking on the issue Jesus said, “Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery…” (Mt 19:3 -12) . This shows that divorce was not in the heart of God from the beginning. The hard-ness of the heart of man made him permit it. Jesus’ words are like a lifeline tossed to save a drowning person.
In other words, Jesus treated all sins at one level and infidelity at another level. He did not say one can leave one’s consort if he is an unloving uncaring bum or a nagging fight-a-cock. But as for unfaithfulness, one was permitted to divorce (Mt 5:32). The only Scriptural ground for divorce is infidelity (Mt 19:7-9).
The heart of a man or woman involved in an affair becomes hard and insensitive. They are unable to understand the hurt feelings of their pleading spouses. Also because he/she has become too hard to accept correction humbly. God permitted divorce so that the offended party need not undergo further emotional, psychological, physical or spiritual abuse by the hard-hearted partner. If a person refuses to stay in the marriage, “a brother or sister is not under bondage” (1 Cor 7:15).
Jesus did not say here, “Forgive 7x70 times.” This is one of the most misquoted verses. If you forgive 7x70 times of adultery you are allowing the lives of 7x70 people to get damaged. Forgiveness ceases to be a virtue when it encourages a meanie to continue his mean behaviour. Many people quote Malachi 2:14-16 to discourage even rightful divorce. We must teach what the Bible teaches to bring healing to the stabbed one. God said, “Because the Lord has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, with whom you have dealt treacherously. Yet she is the companion and your wife by covenant… therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth. For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce, for it covers one’s garment with violence.” Breaking of the marriage is called “treachery” by God.
If God hates divorce how did Jesus permit divorce? God did not say, ‘I hate divorce, so don’t divorce.’ He said, ‘I hate divorce, so don’t deal treacher-ously with your spouse. If you are treacherous, he/she is going to divorce you and I hate that.’
“Wives submit to your husbands” is another verse that is often taken out of context to press abused women into staying in destructive situations. I know a woman who left her husband and came to her parents. Elders then talked to her, took her to her husband’s house and left her. She died the next week under suspicious circumstances. Who is responsible for her death?
There are three ways in which people deal with a straying spouse—
Cut the rope. Some people decide to sever all relationship with the womanizing (or manizing?) spouse. They separate and lead independent lives or go for divorce.
Hold the rope tight. Some believe in checking each move of the partner holding them on the leash. His movements are closely watched. She even follows him secretly like a C.I.D. or accompanies him everywhere. This results in constant tension at home.
Let the rope loose. Some others prefer to let the rope loose till the straying one hangs himself. They hope society has its own way of controlling such philanderers. They keep their cool.
No one can dictate to anyone what to do in such a situation. Each person must use his ‘sound mind’ to discern the best way to deal with the problem. A wife, not qualified for a job, not confident of living alone, totally dependent on her husband with no parents to fall back on may decide to put her trust in the Lord and continue to live with her husband hoping for a miracle. The Lord has performed miracles for many such and they have been completely restored (Isa 64:4). The families have been saved and the children had a home and parents all the while. Israel was unfaithful to God. But He would not wash His hands off her. He loved her back to Him. God put Hosea through the same ordeal to show His people how much He loved them. He wanted Hosea to marry a harlot who kept going after her lovers. Hosea even bought Gomer, his unfaithful wife for money. That was the demonstration of his love.
“There are no winners when a marriage begins to unravel. There are no clean divorces. I urge those of you who are married to cling to one another. Divorce is a preventable tragedy” says Dr. James Dobson. I say a loud “Amen” to it.
But we cannot condemn those who go in for a split for the right reasons. There is no word in any language on earth to describe the agony of the innocent partner. They must be sympathetically accepted. A Tamil proverb says that though God may give a gift, the priest will not pass it on to the devotee. What God has said let it be taught to people.
Some decide to move out and live at a comfortable distance and give time for the spouse to think and decide whether he/she wants her/him or the other person. He/she can tell or write to the life partner, “I love you dearly; but I hate your sin. I am ready to forgive you and live with you if you repent and make a clean break. Otherwise I am sorry I have to leave you.” This really helps the offender to think clearly and make a firm decision. In case of domestic violence, remove yourself and the children from home until the matter is properly settled. Ofcourse there is no guarantee he/she will reject the beau and come back. But there is a good chance for it. The separating spouse should also be prepared for a single life. She should not be double minded. Otherwise she will give in for the sweet talk of her husband only to come back and find the situation unchanged. It then becomes a go-return-go -return merry-go-round. If he wants you back, sit with a few elders and tell him that you will go back only if he abides by certain rules and if necessary should go for counseling and shows that he has changed.
In the worst cases of abuse the perpetrator of the crime must be held accountable to the laws of the church and country. Indian spouses are too soft. When their partner gets caught elsewhere, they apologize for their partner’s sake and bail them out of hot spots. So the offender never takes responsibility for his actions—just like a drunkard is picked up from places, dusted and prepared for the next round! Don’t do that. As Dr. James Dobson puts it: Love must be tough! Why did God punish Eli for the abnoxious behaviour of his adult sons? He was in a position to dismiss his sons Hophni and Phinegas but did not do it, paving the path for the damage of more people, ministry and ultimately the nation. God was not for his 7x70 approach.
There are others who continue life under the same roof without physical intimacy so as to avoid sexually tansmitted diseases and give the children the benefit of a home and both parents. Continuing His discourse on divorce, Jesus said, “All cannot accept this saying, but only those to whom it has been given…there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He who is able to accept it, let him accept it” (Mt 19:11,12). Did He mean that the innocent partner rather remained single so he/she could inherit eternal life?
Committing adultery to get even only adds to the woe. If atleast one partner holds on to God there is hope.
The innocent partner should also take care not to drive the partner to the embrace of another person by fulfilling the conjugal duty and other needs (Prov 5:18-20). It is easy for a person who has an un-caring, rude, sexually uncooperative partner to fall flat before temptation. So try to strengthen the walls of your own legitimate relationship.
SUSPICION
I know some people who confessed their ‘sin’ of suspecting their partner. There is no need. If you suspect once, suspect again. That’s wisdom. However you should not be overly suspicious. Suspicion should be at the back of your mind not at the front of your mind. Suspicion, I believe is a God given faculty. If trained properly it can be an excellent watchdog for your family. But if it becomes rabid, it can tear you to pieces, make you go mad, destroy you and destroy relationships. Lust is a wild horse for which suspicion can be the rein in the partner’s hand. It is usually the most unsuspecting young spouse who becomes the victim of betrayal. At the same time remember, for every evil person you meet, there are so many good ones around you. So, instead of acting rashly on suspicion, it will be wiser to wait for proof before you do anything about it.
COUNSELING
It is no more a taboo to go for counseling. Couples in distress may well seek counseling from a pro-fessional Christian counselor which can save your family from disaster.
You may wake up in the morning thinking, “Why am I alive still? Why didn’t I die in my sleep? Is my life worth living?” Well, your life is still worth living. If nothing works, then create a life for yourself. Learn the skills of surviving personal tragedy. Learn driving. Go for computer classes. Dedicate your life for the bringing up of your children. Go out. Enjoy shopping and do things that you have always wanted to do but could not. Serve God. There are so many other ways to enjoy life and find happiness. Live your life to the full.
(Recommended reading: LOVE MUST BE TOUGH by Dr. James Dobson.)
Dr. Lilian Stanley
13 Church Colony
Vellore 632006, India
+91 9843511943
lilianstanley@gmail.com
Blessing Youth Mission
13 Church Colony
Vellore 632006, India
+91-416-2242943, +91-416-2248943
hq@bymonline.org
www.bymonline.org
Click here for more options
To buy books written by Dr. Lilian Stanley, kindly reach to us in the follwing address
Blessing Literature Centre
21/11 West Coovam River Road,
Chintadripet,
Chennai 600 002, India.
+91-44-28450411, 8806270699
blc@bymonline.org
His fingers brush against her in a sexual way. She thinks it is an accident; but it repeats.
She chirps to him that she has no one to help and he is moved by her plight. He pours himself out for her not realizing that he is tumbling towards an affair.
Sound all too familiar?
In moments of deep depression one might tend to think that God is a happy bachelor. If God were married He could understand the problems of conjugal life. But the Bible has a different story to tell. God was married. He went through an acrimonious divorce because of His unfaithful wife. However the saga had a sweet ending because of God’s mercy and forgiveness. “Where is the certificate of your mother’s divorce, whom I have put away?” asks God (Isa 50:1). But quickly He says in chapter 54 verse 7, “For a mere moment I have forsaken you, but with great mercies I will gather you.”
Faithfulness in family life has been discussed at great length. But Indian authors have been hesitant to put it down in black and white for fear of the culture.
The very first husband said of his wife, “She is the bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.” Can any other woman take that place? Can the husband’s flesh and bone become part of another woman’s body?
In the beginning when God created man and woman, He set the principle of one man for one woman. Discussing divorce, Jesus said, “From the beginning it was not so” (Mt 19:8). Even though Adam’s children married among themselves, they did not live like rabbits. Each had his own wife/ husband. When Cain was outlawed he went away with his sister-wife. “A bishop must be the husband of one wife” does not mean others can have more than one (1 Tim 3:2). It only means when a polygamist becomes a Christian in the true sense, he cannot rise up to the position of a bishop.
There are three kinds of people. The first kind is those who are sex obsessed, who have never trained themselves to control their kicks. These playboys (or playgirls) keep seducing the opposite sex all the time to get some pleasurable sensations. They cannot be happy without a romantic affair, sometimes even more than one at a time.
Potiphar’s wife, Rahab and Solomon belong to this group. What did Potiphar’s wife lack? She had married an officer of high rank who trusted her fully and had given her a home with all its comforts including many servants. But she was not satisfied with all that. Her eyes roved. She was on the lookout for romantic experiences. She was bored with her “good” husband.
Even though Rahab was a loose woman she made a decision that changed the course of her life. She decided to practice selfcontrol. With the newfound grace of God she overcame her erotic behaviour, lived faithfully with one man and became the mother-in-law of Ruth and the foremother of Jesus Christ.
Solomon was a typical ladies man. There were plenty of opportunities to shirk off his sin and turn to God. If he had turned his back on ephemeral pleasures, today his wisdom would be spoken of as untainted heavenly wisdom. The Samaritan woman instantaneously jumped from darkness to light and God used her as His vessel.
The second group is good people who buckle under duress. David and Bathsheba were not known to be people of easy virtue. But they nibbled at the bait. They were not prepared for the strike of the hammer and their response was a knee jerk. If they had prepared their hearts to say, ‘NO, NO’ to the advances of the tempter, they would not have let down their guard.
Joseph, Job and Ruth are examples of the third category people who are of strong character and flee from sexual temptations. They cannot be easily trapped by group I. Joseph would rather face the fury of his master than sin. Job was well prepared to face temptations so that when Cupid’s arrow struck him, his armour protec-ted him. Ruth, though a young widow in need of physical and emotional sexual needs, was not fooling around with young men rich or poor (3:10).
If you belong to the first or second group you can strengthen yourself by the Word of God and Prayer, develop self-discipline and walk up the dias where the third group is. It may be difficult but it is not impossible. To think that sexual desires are uncontrollable is an illusion.
Let us discuss a true story. She was born and brought up in a Christian family and deeply committed to serve God. So she was happy when a proposal came from a pastor’s family seeking alliance for their son, who was also the assistant pastor. The beginning years were happy and she tended to turn a blind eye to his ‘odd’ behaviour towards the ladies in the church, though hurt and confused. He always used to go to church earlier ‘to take care of things’ there. One day her friend hesistantly told her that she needed to be wise because her husband was sleeping regularly with a choir girl. Shocked and traumatized she wept her heart out. But then more news came to her ears—it was not one girl, it was more than that! Her husband, a cynical hypocrite who despoiled innocent girls who came to church! What could she do but to accept the situation and keep quiet? She was ashamed to go to her parents and to add to her woes, she was pregnant. Have you recognized the story I related to you? It was no other than Mrs. Phinegas (1 Sam 2 -4). There are many more true stories like that of Mrs. Hophni which have not seen the light of day. Their marriage never faltered—He enjoyed life and she accepted it.
Ask Mr. Phinegas and he will coolly tell you, “She has changed after marriage, she doesn’t satisfy me anymore. The romance has wilted.”
No excuse is good excuse. To produce such varied colours and races as is today, Adam and Eve could not have belonged to the fair race as we see in pictures. One might have been fair and the other Negroid—two ends of the spectrum. Yet they lived together for 930 years, contented with each other.
There will be stark differences between husband and wife which come to light after marriage resulting in the clashes of personality. The trick is in accepting each other as he/she is. You must become one flesh.
Why was Samson’s marriage a failure? They never became one flesh; they acted as if they were two individuals. Over a small tiff he left her. She was still his wife but married another man and other women entered his life. They could have easily made up their misgivings. Many husbands and wives who have gone through tempests in marriage have made it to build strong marriages. But for Samson and his wife family and friends came before each other.
Before marriage she was ‘well pleasing’ to him. How suddenly it changed after marriage! When she asked about the riddle, Samson replied, “Look, I have not explained it to my father or my mother; so should I explain it to you?” Clearly his parents were uppermost in his mind. As for her, her own family was the priority. She was not ready to rejoice if Samson won the game. She could not trust her husband who was the mighty Samson to deliver her and her father’s house from being burnt by her friends. Ultimately that was what happened anyway by the hands of the ones she trusted. Their divided loyalty ripped their marriage apart.
HOW TO FOOLPROOF YOURSELF
Work on building up a stable marriage. Never think you will never fall. That’s your best protection. Keep yourself in a good spiritual fellowship accountable to the leader. Have close friends who will not hesitate to warn you. Heed you spouse’s warnings, objections and reactions.
Never respond to sexual overtures. If you cannot ignore it then avoid that person like poison. If the situation persists give a warning. You may inform the concerned (Gen 37:2).
Do not violate certain commonsense promptings like—
Stand at a respectable distance while talking to the opposite sex.
Avoid touching, whether it be a much senior person or much junior.
Do not visit the opposite sex when he/she is alone without your spouse or friend.
Do not send your attractive photographs to the one who attracts you.
Do not stand in the dark and talk.
Do not spend a long time chatting.
Do not discuss delicate matters like sex or problems with your spouse with the opposite sex.
If you are a widow or widower, consider marriage.
Do not phone the questionable person of the opposite sex and do not respond to his/her call.
Sexual passions can be most unexpectedly triggered in the most spiritual atmosphere and can deceive you into sin.
Keep sexually tinged comments out of workplace. When someone shows interest in you, talk about your spouse and show your family photos.
Avoid questionable meetings, e-mails, sms, etc. With the advent of the mobile and e-mail, people’s privacy has gone up, escalating their need for self discipline and faithfulness manifold.
Being friends and being husband and wife are very different. Friends don’t question one another whereas husband and wife are mutually committed and responsible for each other. They can and must question one another. So if you want just a friend then don’t get married. Loose living is not permitted in marriage.
A person with an immoral spouse will give you short wave signals to keep yourself off his/her turf. Be sharp to recognize them and move away from the danger zone or you’ll land in deeper problem. If you are caught either by your spouse or by your paramour’s spouse, be honest enough to confess. That relieves the hurt spouse better than if you lie or get angry. Spiritual honesty will help the person to forgive you.
HOW TO UNTANGLE YOURSELF
If you are involved in a relationship, remember you are hurting God, your family and another family. So make a firm decision to cut it off, whatever may be the cost. It is not easy to extricate yourself but the reward is great. It will not help you to discuss your decision with your liaison. He/ she will fight tooth and nail. So quietly stop communication and stand by it. Get your spouse’s/parents’/friend’s/ leader’s help if necessary.
When a person tries to steal your heart, knowing you are married, you may pretty well be sure that he/she is doing it to others as well. Sooner or later you will discover to your utter shame that you were one of the many victims of a whoremonger; and then you’ll feel so used and cheap. If you give in to the advances, you are getting between husband and wife whom God has joined together. Do not quieten your conscience saying yours is a different kind of relationship. Can you share with others what’s happening between the secret you two? Will you allow your spouse to talk about it to your children and others? If the answer is a bold lettered ‘NO’ then stop it. If you are causing heartache in a family then you don’t have to look for any other reason to breakup your relationship. If you have made a wrong turn it is not impossible to turn around now. God is waiting to receive you, cleanse you and bless you (Jer 18:13,14).
THE PUNISHMENT
Rizpah was an attractive woman. She had two choices before her. She could either marry a decent man and lead a clean life or accept the more attractive offer—from King Saul—to be his keep. She chose the latter, breaking the heart of the legal wife. Even in the Old Testament days when polygamy was accepted, the first wife was as human as we are. See what Leah says to Rachel, “Is it a small matter that you have taken away my husband?” (Gen 30:15).
Saul died in the battle with the Philistines. Now again Rizpah had two choices—either to lead a godfearing life as a widow or give in to the allurements of the captain of the late Saul’s army, Abner. Again she made the wrong choice by choosing the latter. The sordid scandal brought in its wake immense unpleasantness. It reached the ears of Ishbosheth, Saul’s son and the then king.
She had two sons by Saul. During the severe drought, to appease God and pacify the Gibeonites, David handed over the two sons of Rizpah to the Gibeonites who hanged them. What could have been a fragrant life turned out to be a foul tragedy because of the wrong choices Rizpah made at every turn of her life (2 Sam 3:7,21). All decisions and choices must be made with eternal life in view. Our God is a consuming fire. Face your sin squarely and boldly and root it out. Sin that we do not face will ultimately destroy us. You may think your spouse is never going to find out if you slept with another person. But did you ever realize that God’s eyes were following you? (Prov 5:20,21). If we have video recordings, how much more God!
The Old Testament commands death penalty for breaking the marriage vow (Lev 20:10). The New Testament says, “Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators not adulterers… will inherit the Kingdom of God (1 Cor 6:9-10).
CONSEQUENCES
God forgave Bathsheba and David; but the fact that she was pregnant was not the punishment from God but the consequence of their sin. If she had not become pregnant, it might have become a forgotten incident. But one thing led to another. The fruits of unfaithfulness in family life are simply too many to quote ranging from physical, emotional, psychological problems to spiritual hurdles. You must be extremely careful with ministers of God. You not only destroy a man and his family but a ministry as did the women at the tabernacle bringing shame and defeat to a nation in addition to ichabod.
GUILT
If you have repented of your sin and come out of it, the stream of Immanuel’s blood cleanses you as white as snow. After that you don’t have to carry the guilt. If not, inspite of your telling yourself that it is not wrong or your partner-to-sin consoling you that you won’t go to hell for it, you’ll have to live with the heavy burden of the guilt that will continually gnaw your insides and destroy your personality. Why be a slave to guilt? Come out and enjoy the freedom God gives.
Because of your stubbornness to stop your spouse’s affair you may snap ties with a friend or family friends. Do not feel guilty over it. Your spouse may push you to rebuild the relationship or apologise to them, both of which you don’t have to do.
FAILURES
If you have failed in the past and later on found forgiveness and peace with God, you don’t have to write an apology to your former sex partner. He /she may now be well settled in life and your confession may disrupt their family peace.
AN AFFAIR
If your partner is having an affair, how do you handle the problem? The initial reaction is shock, pleading, crying and wringing of hands which give over to anger, bitterness and may be threats. These are all normal reactions and you don’t have to feel guilty about them. Even God in desperation cried, “She is not My wife, nor am I her husband” (Hos 2:2) . He uses harsh language against his unfaithful wife. The first steps are: stop crying, think clearly, overcome fear and become bold. Instead of reacting out of jealousy and hatred act out of love and courage.
Jesus gives the solution to the problem in Matthew chapter 18. First you confront your partner. If your partner listens to your advice and breaks off his unholy relationship, forgive. “Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him” (Lk 17:3) . A successful marriage is the union of two good forgivers. Though to retrace your steps to your original bliss may not be so easy, still with patience and understanding you can get back. Forgiving is not forgetting. It is next to impossible to forget. But you can always see that you don’t drag the past, rather bury it. Forgiving adultery is the test of love. If you forgive without action he/she is going to walk away scot free, and not going to have to answer for his/her wrong. They must be held responsible and accountable for what they did. This means you sit and agree with your spouse as to what action to be taken in case he/she repeats the behaviour. After the agreement comes forgiveness. In case of violation of the agreement do not hesitate to go ahead with what was decided upon. For eg. To inform so and so. If you don’t do it at the first instance you will do it at the tenth or twentieth instance. Better do it early.
If he/she does not repent, Jesus said you must take one or two people with you to put some sense into your partner. These one or two may be your parents or your partner’s parents or some trustworthy people who care for your family. If their care, concern and love turns him/her around, well and good. When he repents elders must help him restore his fellowship with God and family. If he is in ministry he must be relieved for a year or two during which period he should be under observation. He may be restored to ministry only after he proves himself. If he refuses to hear even them then the matter must be taken to the church. Even if that fails then you have to consider other options (Mt 18:15 -17). Even God does not forgive those who do not repent.
“You are not helping your husband by keeping quiet about his problem. Help him deal with what can become an addictive need. Agree on a timeline for resolution of the ongoing problem and on consequences should you find evidence again” says Mary Ann Mayo. Love that gives everything and asks nothing is unhealthy. Keeping quiet about the problem rarely helps. Unfortunately for us culture has some giant strides to make. When someone comes out with the problem they are treated like criminals because, “They have broken the family, tainted the testimony or hurt the ministry.” Have they not already happened? For fear of all these, many keep shedding silent tears giving more boldness to the straying partner.
But you must discern to whom to share your problem. Choose only seasoned Christians who will stand with you through thick and thin and who seek your good, better a godly couple. Don’t cry on everybody’s shoulders. Some sympathetic listeners may stab you in the back later and some may take advantage of your emotionally weakened state.
The crying—confronting, repenting —straying may become a repetitive pattern.
Speaking on the issue Jesus said, “Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery…” (Mt 19:3 -12) . This shows that divorce was not in the heart of God from the beginning. The hard-ness of the heart of man made him permit it. Jesus’ words are like a lifeline tossed to save a drowning person.
In other words, Jesus treated all sins at one level and infidelity at another level. He did not say one can leave one’s consort if he is an unloving uncaring bum or a nagging fight-a-cock. But as for unfaithfulness, one was permitted to divorce (Mt 5:32). The only Scriptural ground for divorce is infidelity (Mt 19:7-9).
The heart of a man or woman involved in an affair becomes hard and insensitive. They are unable to understand the hurt feelings of their pleading spouses. Also because he/she has become too hard to accept correction humbly. God permitted divorce so that the offended party need not undergo further emotional, psychological, physical or spiritual abuse by the hard-hearted partner. If a person refuses to stay in the marriage, “a brother or sister is not under bondage” (1 Cor 7:15).
Jesus did not say here, “Forgive 7x70 times.” This is one of the most misquoted verses. If you forgive 7x70 times of adultery you are allowing the lives of 7x70 people to get damaged. Forgiveness ceases to be a virtue when it encourages a meanie to continue his mean behaviour. Many people quote Malachi 2:14-16 to discourage even rightful divorce. We must teach what the Bible teaches to bring healing to the stabbed one. God said, “Because the Lord has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, with whom you have dealt treacherously. Yet she is the companion and your wife by covenant… therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth. For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce, for it covers one’s garment with violence.” Breaking of the marriage is called “treachery” by God.
If God hates divorce how did Jesus permit divorce? God did not say, ‘I hate divorce, so don’t divorce.’ He said, ‘I hate divorce, so don’t deal treacher-ously with your spouse. If you are treacherous, he/she is going to divorce you and I hate that.’
“Wives submit to your husbands” is another verse that is often taken out of context to press abused women into staying in destructive situations. I know a woman who left her husband and came to her parents. Elders then talked to her, took her to her husband’s house and left her. She died the next week under suspicious circumstances. Who is responsible for her death?
There are three ways in which people deal with a straying spouse—
Cut the rope. Some people decide to sever all relationship with the womanizing (or manizing?) spouse. They separate and lead independent lives or go for divorce.
Hold the rope tight. Some believe in checking each move of the partner holding them on the leash. His movements are closely watched. She even follows him secretly like a C.I.D. or accompanies him everywhere. This results in constant tension at home.
Let the rope loose. Some others prefer to let the rope loose till the straying one hangs himself. They hope society has its own way of controlling such philanderers. They keep their cool.
No one can dictate to anyone what to do in such a situation. Each person must use his ‘sound mind’ to discern the best way to deal with the problem. A wife, not qualified for a job, not confident of living alone, totally dependent on her husband with no parents to fall back on may decide to put her trust in the Lord and continue to live with her husband hoping for a miracle. The Lord has performed miracles for many such and they have been completely restored (Isa 64:4). The families have been saved and the children had a home and parents all the while. Israel was unfaithful to God. But He would not wash His hands off her. He loved her back to Him. God put Hosea through the same ordeal to show His people how much He loved them. He wanted Hosea to marry a harlot who kept going after her lovers. Hosea even bought Gomer, his unfaithful wife for money. That was the demonstration of his love.
“There are no winners when a marriage begins to unravel. There are no clean divorces. I urge those of you who are married to cling to one another. Divorce is a preventable tragedy” says Dr. James Dobson. I say a loud “Amen” to it.
But we cannot condemn those who go in for a split for the right reasons. There is no word in any language on earth to describe the agony of the innocent partner. They must be sympathetically accepted. A Tamil proverb says that though God may give a gift, the priest will not pass it on to the devotee. What God has said let it be taught to people.
Some decide to move out and live at a comfortable distance and give time for the spouse to think and decide whether he/she wants her/him or the other person. He/she can tell or write to the life partner, “I love you dearly; but I hate your sin. I am ready to forgive you and live with you if you repent and make a clean break. Otherwise I am sorry I have to leave you.” This really helps the offender to think clearly and make a firm decision. In case of domestic violence, remove yourself and the children from home until the matter is properly settled. Ofcourse there is no guarantee he/she will reject the beau and come back. But there is a good chance for it. The separating spouse should also be prepared for a single life. She should not be double minded. Otherwise she will give in for the sweet talk of her husband only to come back and find the situation unchanged. It then becomes a go-return-go -return merry-go-round. If he wants you back, sit with a few elders and tell him that you will go back only if he abides by certain rules and if necessary should go for counseling and shows that he has changed.
In the worst cases of abuse the perpetrator of the crime must be held accountable to the laws of the church and country. Indian spouses are too soft. When their partner gets caught elsewhere, they apologize for their partner’s sake and bail them out of hot spots. So the offender never takes responsibility for his actions—just like a drunkard is picked up from places, dusted and prepared for the next round! Don’t do that. As Dr. James Dobson puts it: Love must be tough! Why did God punish Eli for the abnoxious behaviour of his adult sons? He was in a position to dismiss his sons Hophni and Phinegas but did not do it, paving the path for the damage of more people, ministry and ultimately the nation. God was not for his 7x70 approach.
There are others who continue life under the same roof without physical intimacy so as to avoid sexually tansmitted diseases and give the children the benefit of a home and both parents. Continuing His discourse on divorce, Jesus said, “All cannot accept this saying, but only those to whom it has been given…there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He who is able to accept it, let him accept it” (Mt 19:11,12). Did He mean that the innocent partner rather remained single so he/she could inherit eternal life?
Committing adultery to get even only adds to the woe. If atleast one partner holds on to God there is hope.
The innocent partner should also take care not to drive the partner to the embrace of another person by fulfilling the conjugal duty and other needs (Prov 5:18-20). It is easy for a person who has an un-caring, rude, sexually uncooperative partner to fall flat before temptation. So try to strengthen the walls of your own legitimate relationship.
SUSPICION
I know some people who confessed their ‘sin’ of suspecting their partner. There is no need. If you suspect once, suspect again. That’s wisdom. However you should not be overly suspicious. Suspicion should be at the back of your mind not at the front of your mind. Suspicion, I believe is a God given faculty. If trained properly it can be an excellent watchdog for your family. But if it becomes rabid, it can tear you to pieces, make you go mad, destroy you and destroy relationships. Lust is a wild horse for which suspicion can be the rein in the partner’s hand. It is usually the most unsuspecting young spouse who becomes the victim of betrayal. At the same time remember, for every evil person you meet, there are so many good ones around you. So, instead of acting rashly on suspicion, it will be wiser to wait for proof before you do anything about it.
COUNSELING
It is no more a taboo to go for counseling. Couples in distress may well seek counseling from a pro-fessional Christian counselor which can save your family from disaster.
You may wake up in the morning thinking, “Why am I alive still? Why didn’t I die in my sleep? Is my life worth living?” Well, your life is still worth living. If nothing works, then create a life for yourself. Learn the skills of surviving personal tragedy. Learn driving. Go for computer classes. Dedicate your life for the bringing up of your children. Go out. Enjoy shopping and do things that you have always wanted to do but could not. Serve God. There are so many other ways to enjoy life and find happiness. Live your life to the full.
(Recommended reading: LOVE MUST BE TOUGH by Dr. James Dobson.)
Dr. Lilian Stanley
13 Church Colony
Vellore 632006, India
+91 9843511943
lilianstanley@gmail.com
Blessing Youth Mission
13 Church Colony
Vellore 632006, India
+91-416-2242943, +91-416-2248943
hq@bymonline.org
www.bymonline.org
Click here for more options
To buy books written by Dr. Lilian Stanley, kindly reach to us in the follwing address
Blessing Literature Centre
21/11 West Coovam River Road,
Chintadripet,
Chennai 600 002, India.
+91-44-28450411, Mob:8806270699
blc@bymonline.org
